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How To Stop Divorce And Save Your Marriage

Mar 08, 2018

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If you are reading this and contemplating divorcing your spouse I plead with you to stop divorce proceedings till you have at least read this article and also encourage your spouse to read it also.

I encourage you to stop divorce because ending a marriage isn’t always the right solution to marital challenges, it can be, but in most cases it isn’t. A lot of people often feel trapped in unhappy marriages and are desperate to get out of the relationship. The problem however is that you might end up running into exactly the same thing you are trying to run away from if proper care isn’t taken.

I advice couples from a Christian perspective because I believe that God created marriage to be a perfect institution and in Gods original plan for marriage there was no divorce. In fact it was never Gods intention for couples to hurt one another to the point where they feel like they need to separate from each other.

There are many reasons why people want to exit marriage, maybe their spouse has been unfaithful to them, maybe they have been abused by their spouse, maybe due to inability to have children, some even claim to have fallen out of love, some claim irreconcilable differences, the list is endless.

On the surface some of these would seem like valid reasons to end a relationship, because if your marriage is causing you pain it makes sense to leave right? But let us consider the nature of pain. When you feel a pain in your body, the pain isn’t the real problem, the pain an indication that something else is wrong. So in effect pain is a signal pointing you in the direction of the problem.

Alex Wise, relationship expert of loveawake.com says: “What most people do when they feel pain is take a pain killer. Although the pain killer seems to temporarily take the pain away, the real problem hasn’t been dealt with. So you no longer feel the pain but the problem is still there and it is only a matter of time before the pain returns again”

Alex says, the reason I always encourage people to stop divorce and not rush into ending a marriage is because like physical pain, marital pain is also an indication that something else is wrong, the pain in itself isn’t the problem. Pain is actually good; because it lets you know that there is a problem that needs fixing. Without pain we wouldn’t know we had a problem.

When people feel that the marital pain has become overwhelming for them they feel like they need a pain killer so they start thinking about getting a prescription to the pain killer called divorce. In my opinion, divorce doesn’t solve the problem, it merely kills the pain temporarily but the real problem is still there.

I want to share with you from a biblical perspective why divorce isn’t Gods intention and why couples should stop divorce. My aim is not to keep people in unhappy marriages where they are suffering in silence, my aim is to help people discover what the root of the problem in their marriage might be and hopefully see that divorce isn’t necessarily the answer.

Divorce is a by-product of sin.

It was never Gods intention for married couples to experience the pain of divorce. When God created everything he looked at it and said it was good “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” – Genesis 1:31

God said everything he had made was very good and this included marriage. Divorce was not in Gods agenda. Divorce came into the scene after the fall of man. Divorce was Moses’ solution to a marital situation where a man’s heart was hardened against his wife “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” – Matthew 19:8.

It is interesting that Jesus said that Moses gave them permission to divorce and not his father (God.) It is also interesting that Jesus said “but this was not so from the beginning” – what Jesus meant by this is that Divorce was never in God’s plan when he created them as male and female.

In essence what Jesus was saying is that if you want the solution to marital problems, if you want to stop divorce, then the answer is in the beginning when God made them male and female. Lets observe Jesus’ solution again

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

The answer is in the beginning

Jesus was implying that if we could just return to the beginning, if we could just return to Gods original intention when he created marriage, there would be no cause for divorce. In fact Gods desire is that whoever he has joined together in marriage should never be separated by anybody “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” – Matthew 19:6 this is what I based my argument on when I say that you should stop divorce.

So what were the essential marriage ingredients that were present in the beginning that we need to adopt in order to stop divorce?

Essentially a marriage is only as good as the two people in it. If we want a good meal we need good ingredients, if the ingredients are bad the meal will be bad. If we want a beginning marriage then we need a beginning man and a beginning woman as the ingredients for the marriage.

Here are the stop divorce essentials:

1. To stop divorce the husband needs to be a beginning man. A beginning man is the one that was around before the woman even showed up in the Garden of Eden. The following are just 4 of the many qualities a beginning man should have:

He recognises that he is made in God’s image. A man who knows who he is and isn’t trying to be like anybody else. A man who is confident in himself and isn’t threatened by the success of others. A man who finds his identity in God and not in material possessions. A man who knows his self worth not one enslaved to mental slavery and oppression, not one that has to wear designer labels in order to feel important, not one that will prioritise looking good before feeding his family.

The first thing God gave the first man he created was his image, he was created to be just like God – secure in himself and secure in who he is. As a man, to stop divorce in your marriage you have to take on the image of God that you were created in and strive to live your life like God in righteousness, peace, holiness, love and justice.

He values the presence of God. The Garden of Eden represented the presence of God and that’s where the beginning man was placed. The Garden was a place where God could come and fellowship with man because the atmosphere welcomed the presence of God – God could come and walk with man in the cool of the day – Genesis3:8.

A beginning man values fellowship with God, he values praise and worship, he values prayer, he values obedience to God’s word, he values a life of righteousness and holiness, he values the presence of God. Ladies you don’t want a man that doesn’t value the presence of God because if he doesn’t value God, how can he then love you as Christ loved the church. As a man, to stop divorce in your marriage you must learn to value the presence of God and submit yourself to God.

He has work. God gave man work before he gave him a wife. The worst man a woman can marry is a lazy man. A man needs to be working; he needs to be able to provide for his family because sex doesn’t pay bills work does. Ladies you don’t want a sweet talking man, a man who just talks the talk but can’t walk the walk.

A man needs to be a real man and carry the financial burden of his family not hand over his responsibility to his wife. As a man to stop divorce from entering into your marriage you need to make sure you are working to provide for your family, you need to ensure that you are at least contributing and supporting your wife financially.

He knows how to bring out the best out of his wife. Part of the responsibility God gave man was to take care of, dress, and cultivate everything that was in the Garden that was put under his care. This included his wife. This in essence means that it is the responsibility of a man to bring the best out of his wife.

I have seen men abuse their wives, criticise their wives, destroy the self-esteem of their wives just because they feel that their wives no longer match up to their expectations. They want their wife to be more intellectual or better educated or more ambitious, or even more attractive and when they don’t see these qualities in their spouse they going looking for it elsewhere.

I call such men fools, because they don’t understand their responsibilities as a man. God won’t give you the perfect woman because you are supposed to take care of her, dress her, cultivate her, bring out the best in her, so that she becomes that ideal picture you envision. It is your responsibility to do it, it is your responsibility to take care of everything in your Garden. Stop looking for the easy way out and stand up to your responsibility.

As a man, to stop divorce creeping into your marriage, learn to bring out the best in your wife.

2. To stop divorce the wife needs to be a beginning woman. A beginning woman you must understand the following:

As a woman, your role in the life of your husband is to help him and assist him. “And God said it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” – Genesis 2:18 God looked at the man he had created in the Garden and saw that it wasn’t good for him to be alone; he needed help.

That word help in a sense means to enhance and support. Although the husband is the head of the home, a wife is a co-leader of the home. This in effect means that a wife is supposed to support and help her husband fulfil his vision. If need be, she submits her own personal vision to take on the vision of her husband, helping him to enhance it, improve it, enlarge it and help him birth the vision.

Problems often occur in marriages when husband and wife are not working towards a common vision, this often leads to division where the vision has been divided into two with the husband doing his own thing and the wife doing her own thing.

The bible says that women should submit to their husbands ”wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands, as unto the lord.” Part of this submission among other things is sacrificing your personal vision to help your husband birth his.

A man needs the support of his wife to accomplish certain things, because a woman knows how to multiply anything her husband gives her. It is difficult for your husband to increase and multiply without your support. A man needs a woman to bring out the potential within him, for example he has the potential to create life through his seed/sperm but needs the help and enhancing abilities of his wife to take that seed, incubate it, nurture it, give it life and birth it.

Understanding the concept of being a helper to your husband will help you stop divorce in your marriage. As a helper you should help him build his confidence by stroking his ego so that he believes he can accomplish anything with you by his side.

Helping him also means helping him understand how he can better relate with you, teaching him how you want to be approached, how you want to be loved, and others things he needs to do to make you happy – without hurting his manhood and pride in the process, which means doing it lovingly and with sensitivity.

A true helper :

Encourages her husband,

Stands by him,

Supports him in difficult times,

Submits to him,

Loves him,

Doesn’t deprive him sex just to get back at him

Helps him through his fears and insecurities,

Respects him publicly and privately and isn’t rude to him,

Believes in him,

Doesn’t negatively compare him to other men,

Brings out the best in him,

Makes the home a peaceful and comfortable place for him

And seeks to make her husband happy in all ways.

The bible refers to such a woman as a virtuous woman (read the book of Proverbs chapter 31 from verse 10-31), such a woman is rare to find but that’s the kind of woman every wife should strive to become if she wants to stop divorce from finding its way into her marriage.

When we get the ingredients right, the marriage will be right. When we as men and women work on ourselves to become the beginning man or woman that God intended for us to be divorce will stop. How can a marriage possibly fall apart in a relationship where both husband and wife are constantly working on themselves to be the best they can possibly be for their spouse? Such a marriage cannot fail.