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11) Open date N° 5: How do we proceed in the choice of a life mate .....

Aug 02, 2010

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Open date N°  5: How do we proceed in the choice of a life mate as to  assure a successful Christian marriage?

 

INTRODUCTION.

This subject matter is more on the necessaity of  compatibility  before marriage, and not perfection before marriage. Perfection and compatibility are two different things. The Lord said" I will make a SUITABLE companion to help him" Genesis 2:18. Therefore, we collaborate with God to get our compatible mate for marriage, then in marriage through our romance in supporting one another, we move to perfection.  The same thing with our coming to the Lord. The compatible ones with the Lord are those who repent from their sins and turn to Him with a willing heart  to obey Him. Then while  already with Him, we are then transform into perfection to conform with his word that says:

" You must be perfect just as your Father in heaven is perfect" Matthew 5:48.

If we are not compatible, the perfecting process will be difficult.
If we have been at the shore of river that carries debris, we will find  some small fine smooth round stones as smooth as an egg! Their perfect  beautiful looking shape has been as a result of their  scrubbing against each other on their transportation by the river. Watching carefully, we will realize that, they  are always stones of the same nature or texture meaning compatibility. A hard rock will not scrub against a soft one successfully to produce that nature. Therefore they must be rocks of the same nature.

It is something like this that we are  trying to explain with  marriage. Two compatible partners scrubbing themselves in the tribulations of marriage (But I will rather spare you the everyday troubles that married people will have 1st Corinthians 7:28), will obviously  result to perfection in marriage.

From where the river carried these stone debris, they where compatible to each other in nature but rough(imperfect). It is  along the way of transportation that in the course of scrubbing against each other, that they become smoothen(perfect).
Therefore, before the river of marraige carries us, we are compatible to each other but rough(imperfect). It is along  the river of marraige tribulations that as we scrub against each other, we are smoothen to perfection.
Therefore, no matter the blowing storms of tribulations in marraige, two compatible couples will support each other than the incompatible ones.

 

To begin with:

In  God’s works of creation of the human  race, He first created the male(man), as a single entity. Then, He  later  took a rib out of  the male -Man, to create the female -Man -called woman.  The Bible says:

-“  So the LORD, God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and  while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “ This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she Genesis 2:21-23.

 God therefore had separated a single spiritual  and physical human being into two; male and  female; and intended through sex, to spiritually fused them back into one and indivisible,  only to be separated by death.    The Bible says:

-“ Therefore a man leaves his father and his  mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh”  Genesis  2:24

-‘God made them male and female’. For this reason a man  shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder”  Mark10:6-9.

-“  A  wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If the husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the lord” 1st Corinthians 7:39.

This LEAVING  therefore, is not just a physical movement  from ones parents house,  to go and join the other and  be staying    together,  but a spiritual  joining together by sexual fusion, to spiritually become one.


By this Spiritual fusion through sex, the rib that was taken out from man to form the woman, gets back into it’s original place, bringing the man back into completion . That is why,  spiritually, the man is the head of the woman.
The bible says:“  But I want you to understand that the head of  every man is Christ, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” 1st Corinthians 11:3
 Through this sexual fusion to spiritually become one, they can now multiple and  fill the earth. Thus the command:

“  So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them,”  Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth….” Genesis 1:28.


Through this way, Man was to reproduce a people of God’s kingdom on earth. But through a special trick of the devil, Man sinned, and began reproducing  sinful  people in the fallen image of  Man, which is that of the devil. The bible says:

“  When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. Male  and female he created them, and he blessed them and named them Man when they were created. When Adam   had lived a hundred and thirty years, he became a father of a son in his own likeness, after his own image, and named him Seth” Genesis 5:1-4

His descendants were no longer in God’s image and likeness, but in that of the fallen Man, which is that  of the devil. Because Man sinned and gave in to the devil, he began functioning in the manner of the devil. Therefore, sex outside  marriage, and not to talk of  sexual perversion, never came up  in the mind of God, when He was creating Man. And  consequently too, it was not in Man.  It only came into Man, through the devil, after he had obeyed  him in sinning against God.

Man has since then,  been operating   in the way of the devil, but  can repent and turn to Christ through repentance, to become a child of God born again(John 3:3).  It is only then that, can we  return under the power of the Holy Spirit,  into God’s original thoughts of marital sex.

Even though  on creation of Man,  God command: “multiply and fill the earth”, Man was  not to do this in disorder. God was to lead him in this.  Even though,  when Adam saw Eve  and exclaimed  “ bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh”,  he did not just start sexing with her, to multiple and fill the earth.  They in fact lived for long, walking naked until when they  sinned and their eyes were open to the  knowledge of good and evil , that God drove them out of the garden. To this, the Bible sys:

“ Now  Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore, saying, “ I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord”  Again he bore his brother Albert”    Genesis 4:1-2. This therefore, took place long after they had sinned and driven out of the garden, thus refuting the fallacy of the original sin being sex.

 If they had not sinned, and fallen short of God’s glory, this guiding of  sexual- fusing into each other  to multiple and fill the earth, would have produce a righteous people making God’s kingdom on earth. For this is what God  intended from the beginning, that will come back to be when we read Isaiah 65:17-25.  


But unfortunately,  because they had sinned, their fusing through sex  into each other to become one, resulted to offspring’s in their own sinful  devilish image, bearing the seed of death in them.  Therefore, from the text above, it is God  who was to guide  Man into marital sex.
Therefore  today, before marital sex takes place, Man normally  undergoes three important stages: -  Betrothal(Fiancé),  Dowry,  and   Wedding/first sexual contact.

".......they didn’t just start  enjoying sexual fulfillment to multiply and fill the earth ....."

Naturally  from creation AS we see with Adam, man is not designed to be a lonely being! He needs someone of his kind to share companion ship with. Of Adam the bible says: “ Then the Lord God said: “ It is not good  for the man to be  alone” Genesis 2:18. So God never intended man from the beginning to be a lonely being.  It is therefore, very difficult for a man or woman that God hasn’t armed to live like an eunuch,  to be one.   

When we are still strong and vigorous, we think that the main purpose of a man and woman living together is for sexual enjoyment! So one can say after all, I have a good job that pays much so I can live alone, and  enjoy my sexual fulfillment with whom ever I want, or have children( for those who want it),and it ends there. But when we start aging up, we become convince to the reality that companion ship is not just reduced to  sexual fulfillment nor having children, but something more than that.  Those already experiencing what I am saying here will  understand better,  than those still in the vigor of their youthfulness. But they are before hand warn as to take precautions as not to be there before crying of  “if  I  had I known !”.

You will realize that when God gave Eve   to Adam, they didn’t just start  enjoying sexual fulfillment to multiply and fill the earth as the only reasons for their companionship! The only knew sex after they  had longed  sinned as the bible says in  Genesis 4:1: “Then Adam had INTERCOURSE  with his wife, and she became pregnant”.   These things are just ingredients of companionship.  Their companionship first was to handle the problem of loneliness as they worked for God. So when we are seeking for a wife or husband, it is for companionship as not to be lonely in doing what God has assigned us to do for Him, and   not because we want to enjoy sex and multiply Children, enjoy life around and be very comfortable in  living a luxurious life at ease!


All these things rapidly lost test or value as we grow older!  Time will come when all these things will not mean anything to us.  At a certain old age, we just want a companionship to be together with! Children or parents can never play that role! Only our marriage mate!  Our parent, or children, can never be that part that was taken out of us! When  the LORD  had not  opened my mind to spiritually understand these things, I never understood why  someone running into 60’s, 70’s, etc with children and grand children but  not married , should still be very worried on  getting married.


Brethren, God divided one individual “MAN” into two parts, and only when these two parts are brought together, can there be wholesomeness and real feeling of companionship. These thing are  deeply spiritual! We must not fool ourselves because we think that, as  we can still move up and down   with one man or woman  and another freely to  enjoy sex and have children out of wedlock,  marriage companionship is not important! Time will come when we will pay  for all this disorder! The earthly consequences quite often follow us even after we have believed in Christ.


GOD’S PURPOSE IN  MARRIAGE

God’s goal in marriage, is to bring together two compatible(FIT) human beings (male and female), and fused them together through sex into one, FOR HIS WORK.  To this  the  Bible says:
-“ Then the Lord took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to TILL IT AND KEEP IT ........Then the Lord God said ‘ It is not good  that the man should be alone; I will make him A HELPER, FIT FOR HIM” Genesis 2:15-18. Thus the bible says:    

-“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh! So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has  joined together, let not man put asunder” Genesis 19: 4-6

Therefore, it must be the bone of my bones, and the flesh of my flesh(Genesis 2:23). Two incompatible beings therefore, will be a disaster. Thus, the incompatible exploitative  business partnership, we are having today in the name of marriage,  was not in the original thoughts of God. This is the master piece of Satan.  God never intended marriage, to be a partnership affair, between a man and a woman, but    intended the woman  to the man as  “a helper, fit for him”.   

Partners, deals with commercial business. To therefore,  say partners in marriage, will mean  commercial business- marriage, in which the two business partners,  must seat and agree on equal interest terms.  A partner can therefore,   back out when ever he or she feels cheated, or  sees another  profitable opportunities else where. This is what is dominating the world today,  in the name of marriage because most of them now are   for greedy purposes.

 The  Betrothal hood(as we will see ahead) is therefore a period,  permitting the knowledge of compatibility, and building up of inter -family  relationship. This is in fact, a period of careful  decision making for ones life mate. We must know that, it is the LORD who better knows  with whom we have to be fused back to be one, and  so must turn to Him to direct us to that one. To this, for example the  bible says:

“  O  LORD,  God, of my master Abraham, grant me success today, I pray thee, and show steadfast love to my master Abraham. Behold I am standing by the spring of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. Let the maiden to whom I will water your camels’-LET HER BE THE ONE WHOM THOU HAST APPOINTED FOR THY SERVANT ISAAC.
By this I shall know that thou hast shown steadfast love to my master. ……….
The maiden was very fair to look upon, a virgin, whom no man had known. She went down to the spring, and filled her jar, and came up. Then the servant ran to met her, and said,
“ Pray  give me a little water to drink from your jar.”  She said, “Drink, my Lord”; and she quickly let down her jar upon her hand, and gave him  a drink…….. So I drank, and she gave the camels drink also. Then I asked her, ‘ Whose daughter are you? She said, The daughter of  Bethue’l, Nahor’s son, whom Milcah bore to him.’ So I put the ring on her nose, and the bracelets on her arms. Then I  bowed my head and worshipped the LORD, and blessed the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me by the  right way to take the daughter of my master’s kinsmen for his son….Then Laban and Bethuel answered, “The thing comes from the Lord; we cannot speak to you bad or good. Behold, Rebekah is before you, take her and go, and let her be the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has spoken
”  Genesis  24:12-50.

From the text above, we see that, we have to count on God, for our mate. But unfortunately, our   choices are quite often emotional, and  independent  from God.  Raisons for the disasters, we have today in the name of “marriage”.

It is therefore, a period of careful decision making with ones life mate. We have some biblical texts, which are  very  vital for instructions in this  preparatory  process. As we examine the following tips on how to choose ones life mate, and  how to keep the marriage flame constantly burning, we come to the truth that, marriage is a divine institution that must be handled with a lot of   precautions.

 
I )  TIPS ON MAKING ONES CHOICE OF LIFE MATE.


We Must Be Sure That,  The Other  Is An Authentic Child Of  God- Born Again As Our Self.
 
The Bible says:

“ Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbeliever: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?
And what  concord hath Christ with  Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth with   an infidel?   And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye are the temple of  the   living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people” 2nd Corinthians 6:14-16 ( KJV).

The above text is God’s instructions,  to his real authentic children “born again” by repentance, and forgiveness of sins,  through the blood of Jesus Christ. The Lord Jesus Christ said:
“ Truly , truly, I say to you, unless a man is born again, he can not enter the kingdom of God.”  Nicodemus said to Him, “How can a man be born again when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus  answered  “Truly , truly, I say to you, unless a man is  born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of  flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I say you must be born again” John 3:3-7
 
Nicodemus in the text above, who was a religious priest that needed to be a born again, represents all those in the death “Christianity”  littered   all around  today, that refuses to  obey the Lord’s command to be born again, but rather prefer to  be living in sins, and  professing a false  “Christianity”.  

How   Can One Be Sure That  He Is Born  Again ?


There is only one way in the bible, so clear to understand  that,  no  intermediary  is needed to interpret, for  any one  really wanting to be an authentic Child of God-born again:

-Repentance From Sins(Act 2:38), which means we must first know what sins are, and what sins does firstly  to the heart of God(Genesis 6:5—8), before secondly, it consequences to man. This is the reason for the command: “ Go into all the world and preach the gospel to the whole creation.” Mark 16:15-16.  All preaching  that does not expose  sins, are from hell. The whole bible from Genesis to Revelation, is all about repentance from sins.

The bible says: “ Your prophets had nothing to tell you but lies; their preaching deceived you by never exposing your sins. They make you think you did  not need to repent”  Lamentation 2:14.

- Baptism In The Name Of Jesus For The Forgiveness Of Sins, After  Repentance: “…  He who believes and is baptised will be saved…” Mark 15:16.  Baptism,  the bible says, :
“ ….Which was a symbol pointing to baptism, which  now saves you. It is not the washing away of bodily dirt, but the promise made to God from   God conscience .” 1st  Peter  3:21.

Meaning therefore that, children cannot be baptised, since the gospel has to be preached, some one has to listen, then repent, and promise God through baptism that, he will never consciously turn back to  commit the sins he has repented from. Baptism  means water immersion, and not sprinkling  as human religions are doing today. They may be carrying the bible, and talking about God and Jesus Christ, but  representing the devil  in their practises. It is not  because,  we claim not to be openly serving Satan, that  we are not his.  We  equally  ignorantly  serve him, in our practices which are contrary  to the  Word of God. Christ laid the foundation  of water baptism:

 “As soon as Jesus was baptised, he came up out of the water. ” Matthew 3:16.  
The disciples after Him,  followed His footsteps : “ The  official ordered  the carriage  to stop, and both Phillip and the official went down into the water, and Phillip baptized him. When they came up out of the water,…..”  Act 8:37-39.

Also this text: “ What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!  How can we who died to sin still live in it ? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptised into Christ Jesus were baptised into his death? We were buried therefore with Him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life” Roman 6:1-4

We must  conformed to the right baptism, as to be  put right with  God. A wrong baptism,  must be replaced by the right one, as prescribed  in the bible. One example in the bible of  baptising twice,  in order to be conformed to the right baptism is:

“  While  Apollos was at Corinth, Paul passed through the upper country and came to Ephesus. There he found some disciples. And he said to them, “Did you receive the Holy Spirit when you believed?” And they said,  “No, we have never even heard that there is a Holy Spirit”.   And he said, “Into what then were you baptized?” They said, “ Into John’s baptism”. And Paul said, “ John baptized  with the baptism of repentance, telling the people to  believe in the one  who was to come after him, that  is, Jesus.   “ On hearing this, they were baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. And when Paul placed his hands upon them; the Holy Spirit came on them;   and they spoke with tongues and prophesied.”  Act 19:1-7

-Receiving The Gift Of The Holy Spirit(Act 3:38)from God, which can only come when we must have fulfilled the first two conditions(repentance and Baptism). It is only when we receive the Holy Spirit, to teach  and lead us in the way of the Lord, that we can be His witnesses (Act 1:8). As signs for real believers, who have undergone the prescriptions of  this text, the Lord say:

“ And these signs  will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents, and if  they drink any deadly thing, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will   recover”  Mark16 7-18 .

 In this text, no special person is pointed( Priest, Pastor, Cardinals,  etcetera), but  “whoever”. You who  claims  to be of  “ Christianism”,  are  these signs manifesting in your life? Or, you are a special kind of Christian!  We do not mean Satanic “Christian” charlatans, because many of them under the power of  Satan, can imitate these signs.  But what we mean, is the real  authentic believers  or followers of Christ, putting into practise biblical precepts through the Holy Spirit, and experiencing these signs. The real born again Children of God as the bible puts it:

Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has  passed away, behold, the new has come” 2nd  Corinthians  5:17

The bible also says of them:

“ Put off your old nature which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new nature, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness”  Ephesians    4:22-24

Any one therefore,  who is a real child of God,  born again in Christ Jesus, and not the now so called “ Christianism” can never,  get married to  a non born again child of  God. Those in the so called “Christianism, Islamism, Buddhism  etc, who consciously live in sins, can intermarried amongst themselves, but not with a Child of God born again(expected  to be living the Holy Life of God on earth). Therefore, in making decision of marrying, a real child of God born again, we must carefully take into consideration this criteria.

Other Biblical Instructions Necessary  At This Stage Of Marriage Include:

-“ Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4.
We must note that, our choice can never  be made without the Lord, because He is the one who better knows which rib was taken out of  whom, that has to be fused back  to.

-“  He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord.”  Proverb 18:22

- “A fool despises his father’s instruction, but he who heeds admonition is prudent” Proverb  15:5.
 Parental  opinion  is very vital, and must not just be kicked against.

-“ Many a man proclaim his own loyalty, but a faithful man who can find? AS righteous man who walks in his integrity blessed are his sons after him” Proverb 20:6-7
 -“ Do two walk together, unless they have made an appointment”  Amos  3:3

-  “Thus a married woman is bound by law to her husband as long as he lives; but if   her husband dies she is discharged from the law concerning the husband. Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives  with another man while her husband is alive. But if her husband dies she is free from that law, and if she marries another man she is not an adulteress”  Romans 7:1-3.  The  woman must know this.

- “ But I say to you that every one who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastely, makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” Matthew 5:32.  The man must know  this.   Also  read :Matthew 19:9, 1st Corinthians 6:9-11, 2nd Corinthians 6:14-15, Ephesians5:25-32.etc.


B) We  Must Equally Have A Good  Practical Knowledge Of Our Selves,  In Various Domains Of Life.

 

1- Spiritually:

In The Aspect Of What God Has Asked You To Do  For Him  That You Are Looking For A Helper Or Some One To Help!

Yes, this is the most fundamental because  God created man and gave him work to do for him, and it was in the course of doing this work that God decided to make for him a  suitable helper . So the man must know what God has called him to do and is busy doing it, before desiring for a helper from God, if it is God’s perfect will for him to have one.

Equally too, the woman must know that God created her as a helper to help the man do what God has assigned him to. She will be wholly given to God for formation as a helper fit for his servant, then request from God for him so that she go and join to help him in the accomplishment of what God has assigned him to, if it is God’s perfect will for her. The bible says: “ The two shall be one”, implying one in thoughts, words, desires, tests, values etc.. The two must be looking in the same direction. To this the bible says:
     
  -“ Do two walk together, unless they have made an appointment “ Amos  3:3.
So this point is the backbone of every successful  marriage. If this is okay, the others will automatically be adjusted. But if we fail here, there is great danger, as it will be very difficult for us to accomplish the assignment God must have given us to do for Him. Satan will have strong grounds to stand on and destabilize us. Since they are two people looking in the opposite directions, Satan will enforce them to better drag  in opposite directions. I’m talking this out of a life experience, and not mental theology (Read my profile column on ‘marriage’ to better understand what I’m trying to say  saying). The knowledge of your level of dedication and consecration to the Lord, therefore  is very important.

             “..The Problem Is Our Lack Of Goal In The Lord!...”

When we do not know our goal (what God has assign us to do), Satan will turn the man to see his wife  as his goal, and woman will equally turn to her  husband as her goal of life, and we will concentrate on  each others weakness to exploit as  grounds for marital conflicts. If one has, and the other is ignorant, there is high chances that Satan will want to use the ignorant one to pull the conscious one down. So, what has God asked us to do, is the solid fundamental base for a successful marriage in Christ.

There are millions of singles in our churches today really wishing to get married but can’t , not because God wants it so, but rather because of our failure to seek for our goal from God, know it, and be active in it. God  is an orderly and perfect  God, who will not just be trying to mange up things by yoking  parts that are not identical just because He wants to satisfy our worldly desires. For us just to be wanting to get married according to the normal standards of the world which is sex and reproduction of children, is not proper to God.

If  every one of us in Christ begins to seek to know what God wants us to  do for Him, know it and be doing it, this problem of high rate celibacy in our churches will be solved. For , is it normal that in an assembly of God’s people, where we have many un married men and women really desiring to get married, but not getting married among themselves? The problem is our lack of goal in the Lord!

 Many of us  the singles desiring to get married, what we are first attracted to is not what the man or woman has been called by the Lord to do for him, that we want to go and assist, or want as helper, but rather:

The outer appearance( how beautiful or handsome that one is)
The job that one is doing: Is it a good paying job?
Age(at times of less importance to the women if the man has money, and of  great importance to men if the women is too advanced in age than himself).
Race or skin color( while we pretend to be same members in the body of Christ waiting to go to heaven. How are we to go and seat on the same table with someone  we considered on earth as white or black?).

In reality, before God,  this is sowing in the flesh (lust or covetousness), and God’s interest is no where to be found. God can never take part in such a marriage because the criteria are good  future basis for marital squabbles and divorce, since the fundamental base is not for service to Him.  We behave like this, and then starts blaming God for not giving us a husband or wife.

These things at the human level because of the fallen sinful nature have their place but before God, they are not really fundamental. To this, the bible says:  “ Men look at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart” 1st Samuel 16:7. In the real spiritual sense of things, they are not really significant in their influence over us, if our purpose of getting married is to accomplish what  God has called us to do for him. This is because, if  what is interesting us towards one another is our similarity in our call to service( therefore compatibility in service unto the Lord), automatically compatibility in the secondary issues will just flow. This implies that, since our interest of wanting to get married is to serve God, He will make sure to move the two identical persons  together, and therefore their delight for one another will naturally  flow. These two identical persons coming back into one through marriage  for the purpose of God, will be very much buried in God’s work and tolerant to each other since no one can hate his own body. But when it is us wanting to use our eyes to choose what we want  to satisfy our carnal pleasures, we become very confuse because naturally, the fallen man does not know what he wants. Today he thinks it is this one that is beautiful or handsome, and tomorrow he thinks it is the other one, and so forth. So he keeps coveting one person to the other.  He is confused with his very self.

The man who has clearly heard God and is buried  doing what God is directing him to, and woman who is equally clearly hearing God in her work as helper to the man and buried doing what God is directing her to do, will not have time for secondary issues as to give Satan a standing base against them for quarrels. Two  of such individuals looking in the same direction, will likely experience a successful  Christian marriage:

Whether in poverty of abundance, they are in each with one another.
Whether  having children or not, they are in peace with one another.
Whether one gets deformed by an accident, and is no longer looking like before, they are at peace with one another etc…

They are a couple in spiritual rest, with all their goal to please God, and because they seek to please God, God makes them pleasing  to one other.  Never you get married to someone who is cold in the things of the Lord, while you are hot. There are great possibilities that either that one finally abandons you, or  equally drags you down to be  cold and the two of you may finally  be the five foolish virgins of Matthew 25, to  end in hell. Please if we want to save our lives from marital squabbles that may finally lead us to lost faith in the Lord and end in hell, let the priority of the choice of our mate be that ones extend of being buried in the Lord.

Let us broaden  our  understanding of what we are trying to say, with the writer’s  teaching  by example since he too, is a single wishing for a compatible mate. It’s not long when I officially became again, a  single.  If  you visit the marriage column of my profile, you will read through my prayer request to the Lord for a compatible helper.  Firstly, I have received from Him what He wants me to do for Him, and actively doing it. Secondly, I have received upon my heart divine light on God’s living norms(way of  life).

This implies therefore that, the desires of my heart  will be naturally flowing   in need of  a sister bearing the characteristics of godly norms  flowing in me. Reading my criteria spelled out in my prayer request for a helper from the Lord, may be seeming  too exigent to some, but I think it is fundamental because. This is because, incompatible couples are sure targets for the devil to easily snatch two souls to hell. So I think like Paul exhorted, it will be better to be single and save my soul from eternal lake of fire, than take an incompatible mate and probably end in hell with her. My mate must be hot in the Lord like myself, for I don’t see how possible I can get myself again yoked to a mate who is cold about the things of the Lord,  loves the world and is at ease and feel very comfortable  with it, in the name of being saved by grace in Jesus.

Certainly therefore, God too will move her daughter to whom He has revealed what He wants  her to do for Him and is actively doing it, and bearing in her heart the characteristic of godly norms(God’s way of life), so that there will be compatibility. I think that the period of   Betrothal hood(Fiancé), is to trial our compatibility.  The bible says: “We have courage in God’s presence, because we are sure that he hears us if we ask him for everything that is according to HIS WILL.  He hears us whenever we  ask him, and since we know this is true, we know also that he gives us what we ask from him” 1st John 5:14 . So if I believe in this word of God, and have made sure that all the precautions have been taken to make sure that my asking is in that perfect will of God, then I should have a peace of mind and be patiently waiting as I collaborate with Him for the choice.

 Sister  DULISULE GUMEDE  Got Married As A Virgin  At The Age Of  Is 69years

Many of our sister are quite often in a made haste,  because of  their fear for  menopause. The God of Sarah has not changed. He remains our God   today  and for ever. There is this sister in South Africa whose marriage was published in a South African news paper( Daily Sun-Tuesday 18 July 2006) that I will like us to read:

“ DULISULE GUMEDE is 69years old.....and has been waiting for love all her life. She even kept herself a virgin, waiting for the right man.
Now she has Mpandeni Mbanjwa by her side and she gratefully gives thanks to God.
Wearing a traditional white wedding dress, Dumisile finally tied the knot , north of Durban last Sunday.
She believes good things comes to those who wait, and she waited for nearly seven decades.
The deeply spiritual woman from Matikulu, northern Kwazulu Natal, has married Mpandeni.
Bride and groom are almost the same age. Both are staunch Christians who pride themselves on relying on prayer to fulfile their needs.
Dumsili says this is her first relationship.
It first started recently she says, after God revealed tio her that she should open her heart to Mpandeni, who had lost his wife.
“God told me that Mpandeni was my other half’, the happy bride said.
The couple were married at shaka’s Kraal Cultural Centre” .

Their wedding picture is unfortunately in black and white, but at least we  can glimpse(We may visit my photo page and click on it to be enlarged so that we can better see).

God therefore will never yoke two incompatible parts together. If he does that, he will be an imperfect God. So a sister reading my teachings and going through “my prayer request to the LORD for a compatible helper”, will immediately understand if she is identical to me or not. Equally? My careful going through hers, or studying her, will identify if she is identical to me or not. So there are practical things that we must do, since marriage is a very practical field.

We need to be very practical just as our God is. Just looking at the practicality of the wonderful works of God around us including our selves, no one will contest His practicality. Marital life is a very practical issue, and as such Satan knows how to easily manipulate it from the invisible. And I think that is why Apostle Paul had to pre-warn us saying: ” But I would rather spare you the everyday troubles that married  people will have” 1st Corinthian 7:28. To therefore not  be very practical, is playing into the hands of the devil.

With  my very little experience, I have come to the understanding that, in the domain of marriage, the LORD will always allow the two to interact with one another, as to discover if they were compatible. And if  they are really  compatible, God will let them discover their compatibility, and be gradually moving them closer  to each other. If they are not, God will let them discover it for themselves, and move them apart.


“God Will Never Impose A Marriage On His Children Who Are Incompatible To one another Other”

To my greatest knowledge, God will never impose a marriage on his children who are incompatible to one another. So I don’t buy the idea of just waiting for God to shout from heaven saying” This is your wife or husband”. If  some one comes and tells us that:  “God told me in a dream that  you are my wife or husband”,  be very careful!  The leaders of  God’s people should in counselling, assist the flock to get married to their right mates, rather than force marriage on them saying” God told me you should get married to this and that brother or sister”. This is pure satanic  manipulations. God will never impose a partner  on  us,  so that tomorrow when things are not moving, we shouldn’t  turn and accuse Him like Adam did: “Is it not that woman or man that YOU GAVE ME”.

Equally we will want to say that, because of that general belief which is strongly overriding us, with the belief that it is the man to move towards the woman, we are  exhorting that any sister who has been requesting for a life mate from God, and seems to see his divine criteria of compatibility in a brother, should asked the LORD for a way of approach as to call the brother’s attention to her self.  God may then make a way for some interaction, that will approve or disapprove their compatibility.
 
The problem therefore is  often with us and not with God. We are the problem. Let us begin by  knowing what God wants us to do for Him, and begin actively doing it, before taking time  with a lot of patients to ask God for a helper, or that one we want to go and help in doing God’s work.

Therefore, given that the fallen man has a very high tendency of carnality, we advise that to add to the above first and fundamental  point,   these other following points must be taken into consideration. We must be very honest to understand that the fallen man is  no longer functional 100% as God had intended. There is always the tendency of  the falling nature trying to manifest in one way or the other. So we must take precautions to all of these as to enable the Lord to direct us well.


2-Physically

This is as to our own size, height(that is, the general outlook), age as that  of the opposite sex we  will like,  Etc….. None will dispute the fact that we can’t really explain why  our hearts at times just naturally flows towards someone : tall, short, slim, fat etc  . So we must take precautions on  all of these .

Let us by passing, just point out some simple realities that many can’t refute and therefore must be taken note of. For instance, how can  some one whose PRIMARY PURPOSE of joining the cross.tv( which to us is already an assemble), is to widen his/her chances of meeting a compatible marriage mate, and now is in his 30s, 40s and above, but intentionally goes to present a picture when he/she was 18yrs or in 20s? This is practicing the sin of falsehood and dishonesty before God, and we don’t see how He can take part in such an enterprise. The force in play is that of lying, which is of the enemy. We are trying to hide our true  image, and so present the false, because an 18/20s image is different from that of the 30s 40s and above.  And because we are operating on the false path, we play into the devil’s hands who will make sure he does  all that he can, to keep us away from reaching our compatible mate. This is because he only goes against the perfect will of God, and not  that which is his. His intentions are to do everything that will hurt God’s heart. With unbelievers there is no problem because they are all his children accomplishing his will , and so he sees no need disturbing them.

 If we are authentic born again children of God, we must walk on his part of righteousness in everything that we do. If we are in our 20s, let us present our pictures of 20s, in our 30s- the pictures of 30s, 40s-the pictures of 40s and so on. The first impression someone gets of another from the word go, is always  very important. So let that one get our true image from the beginning, than us trying to seduce,  because since seduction is of the devil, it will always fail us.  Let us be what we are from the beginning all through.

At times we just take these empty pictures and put, without  accompanying them with our spiritual aspirations in the Lord(goal), and marital aspirations. When we fail to do this, we don’t help the Lord to easily interacts identical compatible parts for marriage. I realized scanning over face book that the worldly people in need of  partners for marriages, understand this practical issues more than us the born again children of God.  I’m troubled by the point that we seem  to look more foolish in practical issues, than the  children of the world. Satan seems to deceive us that we should just sleep without using our thinking faculties in collaboration with the lord, and just allow God to be thinking for us, and  claiming it to be “real spirituality”! No!!! If  God was to  be thinking for us, he would not have giving us thinking faculties.

God therefore, can’t interacts pictures because there are not pictures to get married.  Let us bring out in writing, the knowledge of our true selves. If we are sincere children of God,  as we read the writings of another, God’s  spirit of discernment in us will get into operation and easily discern for us, who that one is, because the scripture says from the abundant of the mouth will flow what is in the heart.  Mere pictures quite often presents a false image of someone, but when we read what that one writes, we can discern his inner being. For those who can think but can’t write, this is understandable and God will initiate us into collaboration with Him, on how to go about it. But if we can write, God expects us to do so.

      “..Our Spiritual And Marital Aspirations Must Be Outspoken...”

Therefore, equally in our physical assemblies where we fellowship, our spiritual and marital aspirations must be outspoken for the Lord to be able to easily  interacts us for possible marriage.
Please we will want to point this out particularly to our sister: never you give chances for some one to be attracted to you by your breast that you raised and exposed out through V-UPS so that they are flying out like balloons, or you laps exposed through mini-skirts, or buttocks and laps you squeeze and expose out through tightening trousers, terrible head styles and paintings.  Satan is not a fool to flood the world with these types of erotic attires that has become the women’s favourites. If you do, you will be attracting that person’s carnal sexual arouse-men  towards you, and not his heart for marriage. He may move towards you and make all promises of love towards you, and be prepared to sacrifice as much as possible to have you, and may even mentally accept marriage with you, if it is the only condition to satisfy that sexual arouse men. And as soon as this is satisfied, he begins looking for others, whose “balloons” are more exposed and flying in the air more than yours, or whose buttocks are well tightened in trousers and more expose than yours, or whose terrible head styles and painting are more than yours.

And when they carry him away, you start saying my husband is running after other women or has divorced me, as if he has ever been your husband in the first place. Thousands of men can fly after us in this erotic attire and promise us  heaven and earth, but   we will never end up in the homes of any,  as a wife. When we have been tossed up and down so that we become depreciated and look like a fanned rose flower from which  all it’s nectar has been sucked out, we are then thrown to the durst bin. We   now look like holy frightful horses in men’s eyes, who begin clowning with us like children clowning  with toys. When just any type of man comes by us for sex  and promise marriage as a weapon, we think this could be luck from God. One after another  comes and sing this very songs, and goes, until  we are  finally physically ruined to zero.

Please, let a man be attracted to us by what we put inside and not that which we have on the  outside to seduce him. Let our attire be very modest and responsible just as the Lord has prescribed in 1st Timothy 8:9—10.  I’m a man who has once lived the sinful sexual immoral life of the world and know what I’m saying. There is no single man on earth who will dispute the point that, an exposed morphology of a woman wouldn’t arouse sexual sensations in him, even against his own very will and hatred for it. When the Lord talks of flee from sexual immorality, and not “resist sexual immorality”, it  is because he knows that we can’t resist . When we are in contact with such temptations, we quickly flee from the place, or with our eyes, rather than saying let me stay or look and resist. God is our creator and best understands us than what we think we know of ourselves. Some of us dress like this intentionally to look “sexy” as is the jargon,  and seduce men.

The bible says: “ A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband, in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is” 1st Corinthians 7:4. In the line of this text, we must understand that, our dressing should be to please our  wife or husband according to the modesty of the Lord. If we know that our mate does not like a particular type of dress or attire, we must not put it on. Quite often  if we  want to go out, we should ask the other, the attire he/she will want us to put on, or just simply select it.  Brethren, marriage is more practically sentimental than sex, and therefore must be well nourished with this small practical things that we often ignored.

The vulnerability of the women

When I enquired from some sisters who wanted to get married, why they wanted to get married, their responds was: Because I have reached the age of marriage and should marry because women get old faster than men, or my classmate are already all married, or my parents wants me to get married because they want to see my child, or  I may soon get into menopause etc..  They may be right on the point of aging, given the general practical observation of rapid female physical depreciation than men, and the men’s attitude towards this. But virgin ladies will side with me that, this is not true.  If you carefully watch the picture of this sister  even though in black and white, you will realise that at close to 70yrs, she has the appearance of a young, healthy fresh looking and strong woman. You need to have seen this picture in the colour  form. I just heard over BBC of a woman who gave birth at the age of 70, and is now  the oldest woman  in India. Brethren, we must trust God.
 

Generally it is known that every thing being equal, a woman should normally be married  in her 20s and early 30s. From middle 30s and above, she  becomes worried and men equally starts becoming suspicious.  Therefore  a woman  in her  30s to 40s and above, must be able  to give some faithful briefings on her sentimental life, that will clarify the man’s suspicions, without waiting for him to try to use some methods to ask . Believe me, many are always suspicious, and so be waiting for us to talk out. When we do not, they believe we have something to hide, and draw their conclusions on what ever suspicion they  may be having. Or if there are things that they already know about us, and  expect us to tell them as a sign of honesty and we don’t, they just consider us as being  dishonest. So never hide anything on the pretext that  if the man knows,  he may run away! No!!! On the contrary, an honest man will consider you as honest, and it will be a strong factor of encouragement.

Quite often there are many reasons men will suspect:
If  as  beautiful looking as she is, no one has taken her yet  up to this age, then there must be something wrong  with her:

. Bad character?
.Can no longer put to birth?
. She  HAS already been used by many men and abandoned?  Etc...

In very rare cases will they think that, we can still be a virgin, or we personally took a decision not to get married until a certain age. We don’t know any man or woman on planet  earth, who will know that we are having a child, and will not want to know the story of our life. Don’t say no we are in spiritually! Listen brethren, marriage is a very practical issue, and if we miss to handle things practically, it will not work.

Equally too, men are generally considered  to be married in their 30s and very early 40s. In the bible, most men where getting married from 40. But nowadays, in the 30s and early 40s is more  considered! So a man running in his 40s to 50s and above, must be able to  give some briefings on his  sentimental life.  Women generally get physically older in appearance than men especially when they begin putting to birth. Most men  will always want to get married to women very far younger in age  than  them. Many will hardly want to get married with women at the same age range with them. In my research for other raisons why men in their greed will want to marry many women, I discovered that, after a few births, the women seemed to have physically depreciated in the man’s eyes, and so they starts looking for other fresh younger looking ones. This is at the level of unbelievers who can act as they want, but now with us the believers whose hearts are not circumcised, we may still be having this desire, and because we can’t fulfilled it, we turn to unconsciously  be hostile to our wives.

Normally, a woman getting into marriage from 30, and a man from 40, are likely to  expereince  a more stable marriage becasue from these ages, their reasons for marriage becomes more of affection than any other thing else. From these ages, their excitments about marriage, begins to give way to reason, and we are more settled for life companionship than adventure!

You know that maturity in reasoning and growth in wisdom, goes with age, and it is normally from these ages that we begin experiencing this! From 30yrs, a woman begins reasoning more motherly, and so a good affectionate wife to the husband. While the man from 40yrs, begins reasoning more fatherly and so a good affectionate husband to the wife.   Below these ages, we easily find people moving from 1,2, 3 etc, divorce cases.  Because of the consequences disorder in marriage brings even unto our descendants 3rd to the 4th generation, we advise that patients be taken, and a close walk with God, in steps towards marriage, than a mad rush  into disorder.


Generally, because the women  are very vulnerable, we  plead that the men should understand this, and be more caring towards them, rather than use their vulnerability to exploit them on the basis that, they are men and can marry at any time they want because as they will often say “ there are however many women than men”. Or that “they get older faster than men”.  I think it is in this line of vulnerability that the Lord said:  

" In the same way you husbands must live with your wives with proper understanding that they are the weaker sex" 1st Peter 3:7     

The mentality therefore of just going to a four walls building every  Sundays to clap our hands,  and then be throwing lots with our eyes as to whom to get married to, is not  proper in the eyes of God.  Or  publish a  mere picture as if we  were throwing a grain of maize to catch a foul, is not equally  proper in the eyes of God. For even  some of us consider to be  local villagers, seem naturally to understand these things more than the so called civilised. No parent will allow his child to get married to some one they consider to be Lazy! But in the name of spirituality, we will want this to happen.  God is the first number one worker, who worked for six days to crate everything and rested on one day, and till date, he keeps working for us. The first job he gave man  on creating him was: “ Then God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it” Genesis 2:15.

Knowing what  God wants us to do is our first job, then can come in any other , the secondary jobs of  “tent”  business, which are openings for God’s to provide us daily as he provide for the births that fly in the skies, and  do not sow, harvest or stock. Apostle Paul, got his first job from the Lord which was that of reaching the gentiles for the Lord, then tent business which was making tents and selling, as  his second job.  But  unfortunately  many of us today, run after Jesus for  the secondary jobs and care very less on  first,  which normally is what has to come first. We run after Jesus for what we can extort from Him, and not what we can do for him.

3- Habits

Habit wise, as to calmness, welcoming, orderliness or disorder, extravagant, or economical, sluggish or smart, etc….
We all understand that some habits are very destructive in the building of human relations and harmony and so must be careful about this. We will just briefly point out  certain things that we think important :

- We should be  very careful in the way we receive a visitor in our house. We must be very welcoming. Give some time of concern  to your visitor (but not time wasters). Seat him/her down and talk  to for  a few minutes, then get for that one something to put in his mouth no matter how very little it may be. Even if there is truly  nothing, there must be water. Get a cup of clean water and stand it before him, and he/she will understand that is all we  have in the house. But my advise is that, we always make sure there must be something one can “oil” his mouth with. We must always make sure to bring, or propose and let it be the person to decline. Please, adopt this principle. At times somebody may even pay us a visit just because he/she  has nothing to eat and therefore be hoping for something to eat from us. And we keep food and let him go and sleep on an empty stomach. I have discovered that, that one who always gives to eat, to his visitors, never lacks food in his house. It is simple to understand: How will God not place food in abundance where he will move the hungry to feed?

-We will realize that in the old testament, God commanded his people never to harvest every thing from their farms, but allow some for those who don’t have, and  even animals , to feed on.

Brethren, I believe that this is a strong natural divine way of life, necessary for building relationship. You will accept with us  that,  we will hardly think to go and visit  a home where we will not be given something to “oil” our mouths with. You will hardly send a child to a home where he knows,  he  won’t be given something to eat , and he will feel happy  to go. You will realise that it was through food that, the devil seduced man to sin.

Our Lord Jesus Christ again said: “ I’m telling you the truth, you are looking for me  because you  ate the bread and had all you wanted, not because you understood my miracles. Do not work for food that goes bad; instead, work for the food that lasts for eternal life” John 6:26. We equally read in the bible that:    
 
Because of food Esau  sold his birth right to Jacob. ( Genesis 25: 33)

The people  of  Israel where prepared on their way to Canaan to  go back  into hard slavery in Egypt because of  food (Numbers 11:33-34,  14: 3-4).

The man of God from Bethel disobeyed God and lost his life because of food (Kings 13:21-24).

When Jacob was about to die, the only best thing he thought of enjoying before dying was food (Genesis 27: 2).

You visits a sister with intentions of interacting with her for possible marriage, after sitting you down,  she rushes in and you think she is going in to bring something for you to “oil” your mouth with, but instead she goes to her mirror admire her self  and put some paintings, put on some seductive dresses comes back, sit and is entertaining  you with them,  until you leave. Brethren , if I’m the one, I will go and never come back. This is a clear manifestation of an outward adorning heart. If she has been in the Lord for a reasonable time  but has not changed, it is not in marital home that she will change. She will never be concern on the husband’s nutrition and even those of children, not to talk of visitors, and therefore future basis for marital squabbles. My dear sisters, if you realise such an attitude in you, please tear it down from your heart straight away, it may be the only reason why many brothers have been visiting you once,  and never coming back.

This is a very natural domain that must flow naturally in us. Whether literate,  illiterate, primitive or civilized as we may call it, believer or unbeliever, this is a divine natural habit strongly buried in  man, that should naturally flow. In my little study in the domain of reasons for divorce whether  with believers or unbelievers, a good percentage has been from this angel. There is a common saying that, “ a hungry man is an angry man”. If you are a married woman and think that the best way to punish you husband is to denial him food, then we assure you that you will lost that husband. Free women master the “food”  principle very well, and it is it that they will always use to pull men out from marital homes. Never you clown with your husband’s food. If you are failing in every other domain, make sure you don’t fail here. We will better handle this, in another topic(how to keep the marital flames burning).

What does the bible says about a wonderful women:

“ A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband  trusts her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
She seeks wool  and  flax, and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant, she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night., and provide for her household and tasks for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it ; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds her loins with strength and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She put her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.
She OPENS HER HAND TO THE POORAND REACH OUT HER HAND TO THE NEEDY.
She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes herself coverings; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers girgles to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the BREAD OF IDLEENESS.
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
 “ Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. Proverb  31:10-31

To therefore think to behave otherwise on the grounds of a false spirituality, modernity, etc,  is self seduction.  It was only when I believed and started reading the bible that I could understand why my mother was the way she was. Most of this text was naturally flowing in her, even though she was not a born again child of God, she was always the last to sleep and the first to get up.  She is the one who sponsored us in school. And most of us in  Africa  will understand what I’m saying here, particularly with the rural women.  They are bread winners of homes, and are responsible for feeding the urban population. I owe lot of respect to hard working women, and every man should.  The   rural women generally reflect the content of the text above, contrary to the urban women whom the devil is rapidly enrolling in the school of so called” women’s emancipation”.

When we spiritually analyse this text, it simply rings in our heads that, God has naturally endowed in the woman, a special natural capacity of taking care, that the men don’t have. While  Spiritually, we see that the man’s basic role is direction and protection.  If the man is the head of the woman, implying that the man is the roof,  and the woman the house,  then that which contains and manages everything is the house(woman). Everything takes place in the house, and not on the roof. The role of the roof (man) is  more of protection.

Therefore, as a roof without a house is incomplete, so too a house without a roof is incomplete. The two are very complimentary. A man whom God has destined to get married, but is not, is like a roof placed on bear ground. He wonders around like a lunatic in the street who hasn’t where to put his head,  eats carelessly, and very  disorganized.  

Same too,  with a woman destined to get married, but is not, is like an exposed house without a roof. Her life is exposed and she can receive all sorts of insults, minimisation and ill-treatment. She may have every thing someone needs to be  okay in life, but feel very unsecured. That is why many (with unbelievers)will accept polygamy as to  even occupy the tenth position or above. She is a house and just wants a roof  and sometimes no matter the type of roof. Some of these things  are very natural brethren that can never be by passed , and one be balanced.

Please we are exhorting our sisters to try as much as possible to  have the text above as their mirror , because that is how God has made them and intended them to be. To try to go contrary in the name of women’s emancipation, is playing  into the devil’s hands. No wonder the rate of divorce and celibacy is high and rampant in the towns with us the so called “modern men”, than in the rural areas.

No matter the amount of charms a free lady deploys to   snatch a man from his wife, they will be futile if the man is seeing his mother in his wife. We all know how mother’s are tender caring especially to the boys. They can shout at him , but in the next second , they are caressing  him.

That said, intelligent women who know this, will do everything possible to win and pocket their mother in-laws, while the foolish ones because of a piece  of paper called married certificate, engage hostilities with them on the basis that they married the son and not the mother, and thus many finally end up losing their husbands to prostitutes outside who knows better,  how to play this trick. A prostitute outside aiming at our husband, just need to know that we  are not in good terms with our mother in-law and will do everything possible to crate a relationship with her, pocket her, and we soon find ourselves loosing our home to her.

We have always exhorted the ladies to make sure they are always in good terms with their mother in-laws . And this is not always a difficult thing to do if we understand the simple biblical principles that the human  heart is  easily worn by gifts. If distant permit, invite her once in a while to come and spend sometime with you if possible. Instead some foolish ones will say, I don’t want her to come and take my place and start controlling my house. Equally if possible, once in a while, tell her you want to come and spend a night or two with her. By so doing, you make yourself her daughter rather than a competitor  over the love of her son. Mark you that, a son is never big in the eyes of his mother. She continues to see him as the little boy she carried and suckled. And the boys are quite often very soft with their mothers and listen to them. Never you engage a  conflict with his mother because,  it will be against him that you are fighting.

When there is a conflict at home and you want to run out for sometime, don’t go to your compound but rather run to his mother and be there with her.
If you apply these simple natural  practical things, I don’t see your  husband will be violent to you, or try to divorce you, or bring another woman into your home, except over his  mother’s death body. The rural women seem to master this divine principle very well and apply with it with good results, reasons why marital problems and divorce are minimal in the rural areas than towns.   

That said, some one made a remark that, they are mostly those considered  beautiful looking  girls in our towns, who are  out in prostitution, while those considered ugly are in marital homes. When I looked at it closely, I realised that he was saying the truth. And this only goes to reaffirm my position that, men are not looking for beautiful women to get married to, but soft, tender caring women.

The so called beautiful women always have the tendency of giving them selves to outward adorning than the inner appearance. When our erotic outward appearance arouse sexual sentiments in men, and many run after us for sex, we thing that we are the only queens on earth. Then we jump out after one to another, in snack bars, night clubs, eating chicken and drinking wonderful wines, from one point to the other. None forgets the normal fact that a rotten meat will always attract flies. When we become totally rotten and are useless to flies, we start clamouring for husbands at all cost and cursing God for our misfortune.

Look dear sisters, we repeat that most men are looking for tender caring men, and not beauty. This is naturally so because, the woman is that tender caring part of the the man(rib) that was taken out from him to form the woman. It is generally equally known that, men are hard! This is normal because even their God created physical appearance, is hard and looking stiff, while the woman is looking soft. The masculine and feminine structure is not the same. Abnormalities are quite often remarked by our saying: This woman has a masculine structure, or this man has a feminine structure.  

We agree that there are equally some physically soft women wearing means cloths (i.e. hard in the character and even more than men). If we are like this, how do we want a man to get married to a man? This is just impossible. So our sisters must take note of this point. If we turn to be hard, instead of being naturally tender caring, because we are naturally the soft part (rib) of man, it will not work.  This is because the man will still be feeling the absence of his tender caring part (rib), and as such will feel lonely and still be searching for it. This is what will open him out to other women! We are not talking here of sexually perverse men who will want to run after any thing looking like a woman. There are men now who dress like women to seduce such men, and get out something from them.

When the man  gets re-yoked  back through marriage with his  right “half”, he becomes somehow tender, and the woman will enjoy him because equally too, women love soft tender  and authoritatively imposing men. What we have observed is that, women generally don’t like men who don’t have authority. This is very normal because just as the roof is protective to a house, so too, is  to be the man, who is the head (roof) of the wife (house),  he is covering. This protective and directional role is both in the spiritual and physical aspects of life. It is therefore ridiculous to see a brethren who is not triumph spiritually with the lord in favour of his wife, authoritatively against Satan in her favour, protecting her in the physical domains of life, but misinterpreted the role of the head (roof), as that of physically assaulting the woman,  to reduce her to his slave.

Naturally, when a male and female are moving together, and a sudden danger of aggression occurs, the first reflex is the woman running behind the man for protection. Equally, I have carefully watch animals and birds, and discover that the males always plays the protective role to the females.


4-Emotionally

This is as to whether we are that  one, easily hurt, timid and closed up, or free and open up! Someone,  quick to forgive, or keeping grudges!… In my general study  I came to the conclusion that,  most men are not looking for very beautiful women as wives, but for soft and tender caring women. The reasons for this have already been explain.

One thing we  should point out is that, naturally the woman’s mind is turned towards the man. This is normal if we read the scripture that  says “ In spite of this you will still have desire for your husband, yet you will be subjected to him” Genesis 3: 16. We can’t desire something and not be totally concern about it. This natural nature turns the woman’s mind  around her husband. So, they will want to know everything, right to the least concerning the husband. This is why you will always find them asking questions to the husbands even to very little things that the husband consider to be useless, and then instead turn be annoyed. At times we will think that they are suspecting us, they don’t like us, they are  disturbing us etc...

Please, to many, it’s a natural law of God operating in them as has been commanded. If we accept the first part of this stamen: “ I will increase your trouble in pregnancy and your pain in giving birth..” verse 16, and see it taking place in them,  we should equally accept the second. We must be very tolerant to them in this domain, knowing that it is natural and we can’t change it. Same as the  man’s tendencies of domination which can never be changed because equally the Lord had said: “yet you will be subjected to him”. So the men must understand  that, they must be very soft to the women,  loving them with  the understanding as the Lord says “they are of the weaker sex”.  There  is the general understanding for those who have got some experience about women that, they love petting and appreciation. I don’t think this should be something expensive  for the men to do. This petting should just be something like doing for her, or getting for  her,  something you know she likes.   Appreciate the good things you see her doing no matter how little it may seem to be. As we  eat, tell them it is nice. And if we notice something wrong(surplus salt etc) with the food, don’t just starts  shouting or sigh and twist our face and abandoned the food,  as if she did it wilfully, but rather  in a soft way, tell her the food is good,  but for the  surplus salt etc.

The sisters equally must understand that, the men by  nature are  hard, and not giving to much talking, but  good at action. That is why the brutal ones immediately act violently if they  feel hurt. The normal ones may hear something and keep quite,   but they are working over it. We must understand each other emotionally. If  we tell him something and he doesn’t respond immediately, we shouldn’t think that he is ignoring us, or he considers it unimportant.   They take time to reflect and you will just only see them putting  into action what you said with time.

5-Sexually

This is as to  your sensibility towards sex. Are you some one, with a cold or hot sensibility towards sex?  Are you, more given to companion ship of same sex, or opposite sex? This should equally be studied and taken into consideration. We must make sure as born again children of God, that we take time before the lord to iron out( heart circumcision), all carnal sexual attitude so that, that which remains is the natural. When we do like this, God too,  will take care, to move us to our compatible part in this domain. Imagine a man or woman whose uncircumcised sexual attitude that just unconsciously pushes him to love the company of the opposite sex! There will be suspicion from the fiancée or married mate. We all agree that a woman who notice this tendency in his husband, why he should be loving company of women rather than men, will suspect him. And the man will also do the same. This shows clearly that it is not normal.

When we see two persons of the opposite sex moving together, the first impression that comes up is that it could be: A man and his wife, or two sexual partners. It is only secondary that we can begin to think of: A brother and sister, etc.. Men and women are naturally jealous to the mate they are interested in. So when they realise  this attitude in us, they are scared! This is  a very natural principle as far as love is concerned, that I have observed even with animals and births.    When you  observe a cock  that has been very used to a hen as it mate, it will never allow another cock to pass by. Often, it will attack any approaching cock with serious fight.


5-Intellectually /socially


This is  as to the level of our academic attainment, and that  of the one we  desire ! Brethren, intellectual compatibility must be taken into consideration. With the fallen man operating under the power of the fallen nature, I don’t see how realisable  for a taxi driver, yard cleaner, house keeper, to be  wishing to get  married to a Doctor, Professor etc. This is just an illustrative examples that we can expand to other domains.

What we have observed is that, people will always want to get married with those at their very range of  intellectualism, or social activities. Great demarcation in the level of education, are  future  grounds of disaccord in the sense that, in a given situation of misunderstanding, one may think that the minimisation  is because of his/her low level of education. Or the highly educated mate may be insulting the others weaknesses to be as a result of  her/his low level of education.
Equally we must be able to say,  what we do in life as our “tent business”, no matter how minimal we may think it to be.

In the spirit of the text of proverb  31:10-31, every woman is a housewife. And every other thing that she gets out to do(office administrative work, etc) is just to improve on her household management which is what God naturally ordained her for. So, she does all her necessary best to see into it that, her house hold affairs are in order. We propose that the women should read this text over and over,  asking the Lord to open their minds to better understand it, and grant them a divine revelation on it. So  if a woman tries to place her circular remunerative activities outside, above her household management, then there is bound to be a problem. No matter how she may be striving outside, she has failed before God, in her divinely ordained duties. No intelligent woman can afford to make such a mistake. But there are many  today in the name of women’s emancipations, who  are acting foolishly and destroying the stability and harmony of their homes. They abandoned the management of their homes  to house servants, and soon start complaining how their husband is coming late home. And the day that we manage to cook something and he finds no apatite in eating it, we start complaining.

So a house wife is a hard working woman, in the spirit of the text above, and not  lazy women who wash,  paint themselves and cross their legs in house watching TV, and be expecting house servants to be doing every thing for them. The text of proverb 31 says plainly “She rises while it is yet night., and provide for her household and tasks for her maidens.”, Verse 154. Meaning that she assigns some tasks to the house servants, and not that she passes the whole  management of her house to the servant, while she goes out running after money, and only comes back to eat what the house servant has cooked and sleep. No one can dispute the fact that, women are not the first basic instructors of children. They start doing it while the baby is still in the womb, then through suckling stage, infant to adolescent . The loot of moral decadence in our youths today, also has its cause from the lack of the mothers, actually playing their natural Godly ordained role of home management. She is the house and must understand that, if the house collapse, the roof to will collapse and every thing in the house will be damaged. This is because it is the house  that carries the roof, and not vice-verse. So I greatly agree to this common saying that, behind every successful man, is a woman. Yes, because it is the house(woman), that carries the roof(man).


7-Family Background/race

This is  as  to whether we are from a divorced, or harmonious home. The prevailing relationship between our parents, whether cordial, or that often marked by  quarrelling,  fighting, insults etc….?  Do they fear the Lord, or not?  Are they given to sexual immorality?   Because the Bible says: “ Like father, like son, like mother like daughter”.

If  we have such backgrounds, then  we must be careful because we may find these character traces,  trying to manifest in our own lives. Therefore,  we must be on the watch and take time with the Lord as to successfully handle them. If I know the family background of my mate, then it will help me to understand when I see some of the things  trying to manifest in his/her, and so try to help that one out, rather than accusations, insults and rejection that may only end up tearing us apart.

It is true that as children of God,  we are one in Christ irrespective of skin colour. But we must be very realistic to say that, with those whose fallen nature is still uncircumcised, and thus still have a strong spirit or racial discrimination, caution must be taken. With such, any little misunderstanding, will be the advancement of words like: This is how white men, or women, or black men or women are!

So we must first take time before the Lord to circumcise out hearts from this negative instincts, and have the spirit of oneness as members of the body of Christ flowing through us. In fact when I was growing up, it had never occurred to me that one day I can even think of wedding a white lady. And there are equally many white men who had this my thoughts.  When I became a member of the body of Christ, this didn’t automatically just go off, until with time that the holy spirit worked out this negative fallen discriminatory aspect in me , that now my heart is flowing towards any colour so long as she is an authentic member of the body of Christ. All these constrains came in only after the fall. And now that God has restored us back, I don’t see how a real authentic child of God, should refuse another on the basis of colour. This is Satan’s spirit of division, and discrimination that must be taken not of and handled, if we find it strong in us, and we are finding ourselves, wanting  to marry some one of a different colour. This,  so that  it shouldn’t be a source of future marital squabbles. This  equally goes with people of  the same colour but different tribes.  


8-Health Situation

This is   as to whether  we are that  one, with a fragile  sickly body, or solid?  We must know each other in this domain as to be,  psychological armed. You know there some people  who are very distant from the sick. That is, they are not lovely and sympathetic with the sick. You can  be groaning in pains and he/she may not even ask you what is wrong, or  may say you love to cry sickness too much. He/she says this not because the love is not there for us, but simply because of not being circumcised, and thus is still insensible to the pains of others. If we do not know all of these, it may be source of  future marital problems, because the suffering one, will feel depressed of not being loved or cared for.

 It is  therefore, very important  that, these points be carefully  taken into consideration.  A very good scrutiny  is to be undertaken by  every aspirant, before engaging into any marriage. Never  reach out for some one, with the hopes that, that one will change in the future.  To think as such, will be laying a foundation for  future marital squabbles.

 A man who seriously took into consideration the slimness of the lady, as one of  his important qualifying factor, but only to end up with  a very out of size or weighted  wife at home, may develop coldness towards her. This equally holds for the lady vis a  vis the man. Imagine a  lady, who loved a slim nice looking man, but only to end up, with an unexpected pregnant man at home as husband,  will  create in her,  coldness towards him.   So our  body hygiene in terms of feeding must be well taken care of.  

Equally  in making our choice:

9-The Opinion Of Parents
This equally  must be seriously taken into consideration. When they say no, even if  the Lord has said yes, we should not just force ahead , but ask the Lord who has said yes,   to change their hearts. We must never force ahead and wed,  at their strong disapproval, but convince them to see with us. The Lord will soften their hearts to our advantage

10-The Opinion Spiritual  Elders


The opinion of our spiritual  elders,   equally counts.   We should equally seek for advise from the well experience ones in the domain of marriage.  

 


We will in another topic came out with tips to keep the flames of marital  life constantly burning.

   
C) BETROTHAL HOOD(FIANCÉ)

 A future successful marriage,  will very much depend on the degree of preparation at this stage. This first step into marriage, is  relatively very important before God, and  cannot just be carelessly broken by our whims and caprices. Therefore,  hurting the other partner, without tangible raisons  before God and man.  A good example of  betrothal hood, is that of Joseph and Mary.
The Bible says:

-“ When his mother Mary had been  betrothed to Joseph,  before they came together she was found to be with child of the Holy Spirit; and her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. But as he considered this, behold, an angel of the LORD appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of  David, do not fear to take Mary your wife” Matthew  1:18-21
                   

Sex  Is Not Permitted  At  This Stage Of  Betrothal Hood(Fiancé)!

During this  stage, caressing and sex is not permitted, and must not be  practised either between the two, or with another. Quite often, some people may say,  “but we are going to get married”,  so what is wrong having sex before actual marriage?”  This is fornication before God, and will be used  by the devil to destabilise  our marriage. The consequences of this sin will follow us into our marriage, and even down to  our descendants 3rd to the 4th   generation, if we do not repent. Our children are likely to practise un authorised sex, and we know, what the multiple consequences may be! Generally, any sexual practise before marriage, results to: Sexual promiscuity, abortions, diseases, children out wedlock, deaths, etc… As precaution  against this therefore, the Bible says:

-“ If any one  thinks that he is not  behaving properly toward his betrothed his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry-it is no sin. But whoever  is  firmly established in his heart, being under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. So that he who marries his betrothed does well; and he who refrains from marriage will do better”
 1st Corinthians 7:36-38

As this text plainly puts it, if the girl or boy is burning to have sex during this period, then they should get married and have sex, rather  than sin.       
This first stage,  is very legitimate before God, as the Bible further says:

-“ If  there is a n betrothed virgin, and a man meets her in the city and lies with her, then you shall bring them both out to the gate of that city, and you shall stone them to death with stones, the  young woman  because she did not cry for help, though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbour’s wife; so you shall purge the evil from the midst of you”
 Deuteronomy 22:23-25

Today, stoning to death no longer exist, but  we are spiritually death,  unless we repent, and physical death can then follow in any manner .  We therefore,  insist that,  no sexual activities is  authorised during the stage of  fiancé,  either  between the two mates, or with another.
   

D) DOWRY .  

         
Biblically, this  is a value of  appreciation made by the man to the family of the lady,  or vice versa as in some communities, which can be in  kind or in cash, etc. This often takes place,  before the father transfer  his authority(spiritual)  as head over the daughter, to the husband, for the two  to be fused together as one, through sex. So, the father gives the daughter into marriage .  She does not decide  one morning, to go and  be staying with a man she calls husband, as practised in our society today,  in the name of liberty. This is a crime against God, that can never  go  unpunished  unless we repent.        According  to the Lord, the daughter  remains  under the spiritual authority of her father, until marriage.

The bible says:

-“ When a woman  vows a vows to the LORD, and binds herself by a pledge, while within her father’s house, in her youth,  and her father hears of her vow and of her pledge by which she has bound herself, and says nothing to her;  then all her vows shall stand, and every pledge by which she has bound herself shall stand. But  if her father express disapproval to her on the day that he hears of it, no vow of hers, no pledge by which she has bound herself, shall stand; and the LORD will forgive her.

And if she is married to a husband, while under her vows or any thoughtless utterance of her lips by which she has bound  herself,   and her husband hears of it, and says nothing to her on the day that he hears; then her vows shall stand, and her pledge by which she has bound herself shall stand.  
But if,  on  the day that her husband comes to hear of it, he express disapproval, then he shall make void her vow which was on her, and the thoughtless utterance of her lips, by which she bound herself;  and the LORD will forgive her. But  any vow of a widow or of a divorced woman, anything by which she has bound herself shall stand against her”  Numbers 30:3-15     
                
An un married woman therefore, remains under the authority of her father before God, until marriage during which, the father hands her over to  the husband. Examples of dowry in the bible  are : Isaac and Rebekah; and Jacob and  Rachael.  

- Dowering   Rebekah  For  Isaac.

The  Bible says:
. “ Then I asked her, ‘ Whose daughter are you? She said, The daughter of Bethue’ , Nahor’s son, whom Milcah bore to him.’ So I put the ring on her nose, and the bracelets on her arms.  Then I bowed my head and  worshipped the LORD, and blessed the Lord, the God of my master Abraham,who had led me by the right way to take the daughter  of my master’s kinsmen for his son”  Now then, if you will  deal loyally and truly with my master, tell me; and if not, tell me that I may turn to the right hand or to the left” Then Laban and Bethuel answered, “The thing comes from the Lord; we cannot speak to you bad or good. Behold, Rebekah is before you, take her and go, and let her be the wife of your master’s son,  as the Lord has spoken” When Abraham’s servant heard their words,  he bowed himself to the earth before the LORD.

And the servant brought forth jewelry  of silver and of gold, a and raiment, and gave them to  Rebekah; he also gave to her brother and to her mother costly ornaments. And he and the men who were with him ate and drank,  and they spent the night there.When they rose up in the morning,  he said , “ Send me back to my master”. …..
They said, “ We will call the maiden and ask her”,  And they called Rebekah, and said to her,“ Will you go with this man?”  She said “ I will go”

So they sent away Rebekah their sister and her nurse, and  Abraham’s servant and his men.  And they blessed Rebekah, and said to her,“ Our sister, be the mother of thousands of  ten  thousands possess the gate of those who hate them!  Then Rebekah and her maids arose, and rode upon the camels and followed the man; thus  the servant took  Rebekah, and went his way”!    Genesis 24:  47-58

-Dowering  Rachael For Jacob.

The Bible says:
“Then Laban said to Jacob, “Because  you are my kinsman, should you therefore serve me for nothing?  Now Laban  had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of  the younger was Rachael. Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachael was beautiful and lovely. Jacob lovedRachael and he said, “ I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter  Rachael”.
Laban said “ It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to any other man; stay with me” So Jacob served seven years for Reachael, and they seemed to him but a few days   because of the love he had for her.

Then Jacob said to Laban, “ Give me my wife that I may go in to her, for my time is completed. So Laban gathered together all the men of the  place, and made a feast. But in the evening he took his daughter  Leah and brought her to Jacob; and he went in to her”  Genesis 29:15-30

The above cases, are examples illustrating the necessary token of appreciation in material or in kind, as dowry for ones wife. It is not therefore, supposed to be a money making occasion. It is very unfortunate that today, this symbolic exercise, has been transformed by  materialistic  people, with exploitative spirits, into  money making enterprise.  This unscrupulous  attitude, is also believed to be responsible for  marital conflict, and un healthy family relationship,  as well as divorce.   The rampant celibacy today, is accounted for, by  this unscrupulous attitude.
     
When  dowry has taken place, the parents of the woman may hand her over to the husband, with or without, a wedding  ceremony,  as seen in the two examples above. This,  for their first  weeding  sexual contact to take place.
 
E) WEDDING/ FIRST SEXUAL CONTACT.   

 As  just mentioned,   the two families  may then decide as they so wish, to call a feast of  public rejoicing , for  accepting  their two children together,  as husband and wife. In recent times, in certain  societies,   government intervention is necessary  through the counsel’s signing  of a marriage certificate.  Christian communities, also  proceed to church  ceremonial   blessings. The two then, are divinely qualified for marital sex, and begin their first wedding sexual contact.

This has just been a briefing on this topic!  Many have more precious things to add to this our modest briefings, and so can contribute as to better help in the building of the body of Christ.