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Stella Stone


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I want to stop having sex and do things Gods way but he doesnt

Dec 06, 2017

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I received the following mail from one of my readers, I am posting the question and my reply to it because I know that there are many others who might be in a similar situation that might benefit from this.

Dear Mr. Love,

I believe God is working through you and your wife with regards to Christian
– your blog has blessed me greatly!
With regards to my question – I think I may know the answer but would like some advice.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years. We had sex on our first date
and continued since – I thought this was all the relationship would be -casual-
however beyond the obvious sexual attraction was love, which I was not expecting.
However, I cheated 2 years ago, and since then the dynamics of our relationship have
changed (for obvious reasons – he doesn’t trust me but doesn’t want to leave me). He
has been cheated on before and I never perceived I would be capable of doing that
too him – but I did.

Since last year, my walk with God has progressively improved to
the point where I would turn away from my partner or push him off me as soon as he
would want to be intimate with me – all in fear of fornication. To the world it
seems crazy that I want to stop having sex now, including my partner, but I all I
want to do is trust and obey. I don’t want to be a self righteous ‘Christian’ who
picks and chooses which parts of Kingdom living suit me – my spirit feels at such
unease when I think of what succumbing to the flesh has done to my relationship.
Only God is the solid foundation and we have now abstained from sex for 2 months, my
partner rather unwillingly though! He is a ‘part-time’ Christian – for the reasons
of hypocrisy within the church which he has witnessed – he has grown to dislike
certain things about Christianity – whenever I want to have a God-ly discussion – he
claims I feel like I’m ‘holier than thou’ .

For him, being intimate with me is how
he feels loved and cared for – very dangerous – hence why he feels if we take out
sex I have to replace it with something else – which should be communication right?
Because the arguments are getting unbearable and I feel like he will never step up
to wanting this journey with God as much as I do – I feel obeying God is the
ultimate reason for him seeing that he can trust me again and that I will not hurt
him like I did – but he doesn’t see it that way (or I think he doesn’t).
There are so many more questions I want to ask – but will start with this first -
what is your analysis on this relationship?

We want to get married hence why we are abstaining but I feel he doesn’t truly
understand the importance of putting God 1st. And as for seminars etc. he is so
resistant to going – they’re not his thing he says. Why does he not want to learn??
I feel that I may have to leave him until he is able to rekindle his walk with God,
because at the moment we are miles apart spiritually.

Thank you in advance for your help.
God bless.

Mr Love’s Reply:


First of all I want to commend you on taking the steps towards doing
things the proper way and conducting your relationship in a way that
pleases God. It’s not always about how you start but how you finish so I
commend you on trying to rebuild the foundation of your relationship by
doing it Gods way.

However, it seems to me that there is a clash of values between the both
of you. There is no point you trying to do things Gods way when he doesnt
share the same values, it is obvious that he doesnt think abstinance is
necessary and as you said he isnt even fully dedicated to the faith so if
care is not taken, the more you try to get closer to God, the more he will
drag you back and since you have had a history of being intimate, it wont
be long until he breaks your defences and persuade you to go back to what
you so badly wanted to stop doing.

Sex is just one of this things you cant resist for very long especially if
you have already experienced it and the person you have experienced it
with is pressurising you to keep doing it. you might be strong for a while
but your feelings and your own natural desires might eventually get the
better of you. Thats why the bible says to flee fornication, run from it,
dont think you’re strong enough to keep resisting it, if you keep getting
yourself into the wrong situation and environment, sex will eventually

For this relationship to work, you both have to be on the same page, you
must both want the same things and have the same moral standards, if one
of you wants to obey God and the other doesnt then its not going to work.
Two people cannot work together unless they agree just like the bible says
and its obvious that you both dont agree on this very important issue of
no sex before marriage. In the end if you cant get him to come round to
your perspective and standpoint (something only God can do really, dont
make the mistake of thinking you can change him, only God can do that, and
God will only do that when he decides to submit his life to God) but like
I was saying, if he refuses the boundaries that you are trying to set for
the relationship then you will have to choose which is more important to
you whether to please God or to please him.

Remember that you cannot build a lasting relationship on a rocky
foundation, it simply will not last and will ultimately end in hurt and
pain. The foundation of your relationship was shaky from the start because
you allowed sex into the equation too soon before you even had a chance to
really get to know eachother and see whether you are really right for
eachother, because two people are attracted to eachother doesnt make them
right for one another, because of the sexual intimacy you have shared you
are now emotionally and spiritually bound together and bound together with
someone that you are not even sure you have a future with. But there is
hope and God is able to restore your soul, but you have to submit to the
will of God.

This is my advice and you dont have to take it if you dont want to. I
would recommend taking some time out of the relationship to rededicate
yourself to God, and take some time to pray about what God wants you to do
with regards to this relationship. Is he even the will of God for you?

Before getting into a relationship you need to make sure that you are
whole and ready, and as Christians, relationships are not something we get
into casually, we dont experiment and do trial and error, we allow God to
lead us to the right person. The reason so many singles are facing
challenges and going from one person to another is because they are doing
their own thing without seeking God, we want to do our own thing then want
God to put his stamp on it and it just wont work, I was caught in that
trap until I decided to really devote everything to God, it was then that
God led me to my wife and when we met we didnt date casually, we
established right from the very begining that we were both heading towards
marriage, we both had the same commitment to God and pleasing God and as a
result it was easy to get it right, and if you dont have marriage in mind
then why get into a relationship, what then is the purpose of that

I know I am saying a lot but as I am writing this I really feel that God
wants you to go into a time of consecration, a time of rededication and
total devotion to him, he wants to make you over and give you a new
begining if only you would let him. I believe that God wants a period of
isolation with you where he can do his work with you, he wants to restore
your soul and give you a new begining, he wants to show you his love and
mercy, he wants to give you a new identity, he wants to restore your self
worth,confidence and value, he wants you to see how precious and valuable
you are, too valuable to be touched by a man who hasnt earned the right
and paid the price to touch you in that way.

You are too precious to God, you are worth so much to him, dont settle for
anything less than Gods best for you, dont allow anyone to cause you to
live outside of Gods will and standards. Take time out to really seek Gods
will on this without any distractions, your life is too precious to just
live it anyhow and committ it to just anyone. Let God lead you, because
when God leads you, you can never get it wrong.

My reply is not normally this long but as I was writing I just felt a
strong burden come on me for you and I feel that some of the things I have
said is what God wants you to do.

Hope I have been of help and look forward to hearing from you again soon.